I'm happy to help and I'm always thrilled to see how well the Remake is going
I think the descriptions are nearly perfect, but hearing them spoken just highlights a few points like the ones I mentioned above. I'll have another read through each of them and write what I think sounds best:
- Code:
Verily, our situation is grave. The renegades are oppressing the last of the commoners that still abide loyal to thy king, shamelessly butchering them, defenceless as they doth be. Thou must perforce put a stop to this! Make haste to defend thy subjects and then indeed shall these dastardly defectors pay for what they have done![/quote] * "defenseless" -> "defenceless" - not important for the voice but important for the text version! * "do be" -> "doth be" [code]Thou hast done well, but many a commoner are still imprisoned under the clutches of the rebels. Perchance thou canst soon concentrate thine efforts on freeing the remaining villages. Our spies report that one last wave of rebels is approaching thy current position from the north. Push them back to that from whence they came![/quote] * Changed the ending as little as possible to make it grammatically correct [code]Victory is ours! Thou shalt use this small window of time to build thy torched towns anew. Squander no time, as thou soon needs to sway thy priority into liberating the occupied settlements nigh to the north. Let not the commoners of these settlements come to harm. They are citizens of thine own, being coerced to follow the renegade rule by the flagitious soldiers stationed there. Thou must needs defeat these soldiers, and these soldiers only, to free thy subjects.[/quote] * "the torched towns" -> "thy torched towns" - you own them, right? [code]Our spies hath sighted marching enemy troops in the settlements nigh. This doth mean that thine enemy hath indeed captured even these settlements and turned them into military encampments. Thou must needs rid these rebellious soldiers from the land that is rightfully thine and destroy any military buildings they have erected. And forget not, thou shouldst not let any commoners come in harms way.[/quote] * "Thy spies" -> "Our spies" - I think generally that's how they are referred to in TSK? * "nigh by" -> "nigh" - I think this is correct, and sounds a bit better in my opinion * "rightfully thy" -> "rightfully thine" - this is correct [code]Thy last victory hath stirred up the rebels and even now a huge army is marching toward a local village. Thou shalt help these defenceless commoners and not let the town fall. Repel thine enemy![/quote] * "defenseless" -> "defenceless" again [code]Thy previous attacks hath indeed driven back the scoundrels. Howsoever, thy scouts report that the rebels hath erected new encampments overnight that pose a great threat to the safety of thy commoners. Thou shalt remove these encampments from the surroundings but utterly. Perchance thou canst also use this opportunity to secure new iron mines; thy last battles hath emptied our coffers of that which thou art in dire need.[/quote] * Made the last sentence a continuation of the previous with a semi-colon, since they seem linked * "direly in need of" -> "in dire need" - incorrect to end the sentence on a preposition [code]Soon thou shalt once again turn thine attention into hunting down further encampments of ye scoundrels. More urgent matters currently press upon thee, as thy lands in the south have been overrun. Thou shalt eradicate these settlements, using the iron ore that thy stalwart troops hath secured in our last battle to strengthen thine army. Thine iron supplies art limited, so use them wisely.[/quote] * I don't really like "ye scoundrels" as it's not clear who is being referred to, but I don't know how to improve it, except by completely changing it, i.e. "thine enemy" [code]Thou must make haste! During thy last attack, thou hast tasked nigh all thy soldiers to support thy cause, leaving thy main bastion undefended. Seditious commoners of thine hath dispatched this information to the wicked renegades and they even now prepareth an attack against thee! Thou must return with all thy speed if thou art to arrive before the scoundrels hath breached thy fortress.[/quote] * "commoners of thy" -> "commoners of thine" - this is correct * "Thou needs to return" -> "Thou must return" - sounds better I think * "in the hopes of making it back" -> "if thou art to arrive before" - a bit more KaM-style * "managed to breach" -> "breached" - snappier [code]Verily, the ambush hath delayed thy troops and the rebels hath indeed succeeded in capturing thy fortress. Let not this discourage thou in thy noble quest! Perchance thou canst use this opportunity to weaken the scoundrel rule by recapturing thy castle. Thou wilt be hugely outnumbered and thine adversaries defences shalt be highly superior, but thou hast knowledge of the terrain that can be used to thine advantage. Attack not the main gate, but search for alternate routes.[/quote] * "managed to capture" -> "succeeded in capturing" - sounds better in my opinion * "discourage thy noble quest" -> "discourage thou in thy noble quest" - it is you, not the quest, that should be discouraged * Not sure "the scoundrel rule" makes sense but I don't know what to do about it... * "defenses" -> "defences" * "thy knowledge" -> "knowledge" - too many "though"s and "thy"s in that sentence :p * "to thine advantage" -> "that can be used to thine advantage" - seems to make more sense * "throughout the main gate" -> "the main gate" - seems to make more sense [code]In thy glorious reconquest of thy castle, thou hast managed to capture some of the rebels. Through extortion, we hath managed to retrieve information vital to thy quest. The renegades hath a bastion far to the northeast, beneath an underground pass leading through the steep mountains. Thou must needs find this pass, and defeat any rebels guarding it.[/quote] * Not sure what "through extortion" means exactly, but I haven't changed anything :) * Just a thought, is their base "beneath" the underground pass, or through it?